We’ve all heard of The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises. Even if you don’t watch, you’ve probably seen the contestants’ faces splashed across gossip magazines or heard about their inevitable break-ups as soon as they finish their run on Dancing With The Stars. The show doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to lasting relationships, and that’s why I think it’s time to change things up. Bad relationships are easy to find, but good friends are practically mythological. If you want to build something that will truly last forever, help moms find a mom friend. Here’s what The Bachelorette would look like if they used the format for finding mom friends instead:
Episode 1: Introductions
First we meet our Mom-Friendette. A voiceover tells her life story over a montage of Instagram snaps of her kids. She wants you to know she’s here for “the right reasons” and also this is the first time she’s worn makeup in six years. The contestants arrive at the mansion one by one. As they climb out of their minivans, they head to a cocktail party to get wasted without their kids and swear freely. Once everyone has been introduced, our Mom-Friendette goes through her first Latte Ceremony. Yes, lattes. Roses don’t have caffeine. She sends home anyone who uses #blessed on social media and the lady who showed up dressed as an actual Pinterest board.
Episode 2: The First Group Date
Our Mom-Friendette lets the contestants sleep in until 8:30 and then surprises them with brand new yoga pants and a five dollar Starbucks gift card. They split up into two crossover SUVs en route to a surprise destination. It’s Target! The moms wander around the store for hours, needlessly redecorating their homes and spending directly from their kids’ college funds. Our Mom-Friendette admits to using the Target brand formula and one contestant seems put off by that. It’s a moral dilemma. Should she even stay in the competition? The background music gets really dramatic for a minute and ultimately she decides to pack up her diaper bag and go home. In the minivan on the way to the airport she explains, “I don’t just want a best friend; I want a breast-friend.”
Episode 3: One-On-One Dates
Our Mom-Friendette is left reeling by the sudden departure in the last episode, but the show must go on. She takes one of the contestants with her for a massage — something she does religiously on Mother’s Day that one time when her partner remembered. They really hit it off talking about their controlling mothers-in-law, but the fireworks explode when they discover they both grow the exact same number of chin hairs. “There’s just something about Lori,” says our Mom-Friendette, “I feel so comfortable with her and she’s got great hair. I could see us ignoring our children together, and it makes me feel really excited about the future.”
Episode 4: The Second Group Date
Our Mom-Friendette strongly believes you shouldn’t lose yourself in motherhood. She wants to show the other moms that they can still be hip and fun, so she takes everyone to a night club. It’s pretty dead when they arrive at 6 p.m. but it’s okay because it gives them an opportunity to talk. As a fun exercise, the Mom-Friendette forbids everyone from mentioning their go-to subject: the kids. Every time they talk about their children, they have to take a shot. It ends up being a terrible idea and everyone has alcohol poisoning by 7:40. There is no Latte Ceremony.
Episode 5: The Mom-posal
Time flies when you’re hospitalized due to excessive alcohol consumption, but our competition has finally come to an end. The Mom-Friendette meets with each finalist to discuss their future play dates or lack thereof. She connected with quite a few of the women, but none of them could rival what she felt with Lori in episode three. Lori arrives at the splash pad in an un-stained maxi dress and our Mom-Friendette can barely contain her excitement. “Motherhood is all about choices, Lori,” she says, “and I want you to know I choose you. I choose you.” They embrace and return to suburban Indiana where they live out their days in relative harmony until Lori goes gluten-free and gets all judgey about it.